Quieting to Receive Inner Wisdom (Ubud,Bali, Indonesia)
Maybe you were very ill & undiagnosed with what would be a life-threatening illness (I was for 4 years) or maybe you got you’re diagnosis and the survival rate wasn’t pretty lookin’. But sure enough, you did everything in your power, and then some (miracles), and you’re treatment worked, well, for the most part. You’re a survivor with a whole new life to live (cue Destiny Child’s ‘I’m a survivor’ with a sexy bod). Really though, you got a second chance of life and, man, you’re not the same as you were before. 0-25 years old is officially my past life and I am on year 1 again baby. It's exciting. It's overwhelming. It's very confusing. Nonetheless, I am so happy to be here with a fresh set of child eye’s, head, and heart. Oh, and I still get flare-ups.
On the outside, perhaps from family or friends, it looks like things will be “normal” for you again or much easier than they had been while you were consistently ill. But, boy oh boy, your new reality is shocking. You’re life is filled with just as uncharted wild waters as it was before. You’re well enough to work for a good chunk of the day, but you're still too exhausted to cook in the evening with friends or attend a social awareness panel on Homelessness aka you live for the day and you "spirit it up" at night. Your illness revealed to you your life purpose and now you know exactly who your target audience is, but yet your body still has the occasional ka-put out of nowhere or flare-up asking you to put the majority of your energy into quick health solutions. Shiiiiit, it aint easy.
You have a whole new life to build. Literally every single aspect of your life—friends, family, career, self-care, place of settlement, belief system, what you do for fun-- is forever changed with a fresh clean white plate. It’s like the feeling when you move to a whole new city maybe for a job change and you know nothing. Except in this case you’re walking into a whole new life with a blank canvas, and get ready cuz this is weird, it’s your life. I mean what can be more underwhelming than that? NOT. After that body-mind-spirit transformation or “healing crisis”, you’re a whole new person with a whole new identity to beautifully step into. I wish I would have known this part was going to be just as confusing.
I wish I would have been prepared for the “post-recovery” world. Physical symptoms start to simmer down (praise the Love from Above), but flare-ups from time to time, well this can continue. And I definitely did not expect that. I feel naïve. Am I stupid? No, I’m brilliant. I just didn’t see this coming. I thought one day when I had been in treatment long enough, I would full blown return to wellness and leave this lesson-rich time in the past always to be treasured and reflected upon when need be or of value to others on their healing journey. Did I really mean that “when necessary” part though? Because here I am with a flare-up and I’m really not pleased about it. Now, I’m rattling off in my head all the things I want to do, but can’t. Not to feel sorry for myself by any means. I am so happy for all the progress and adventure and lessons, but to remind myself of not getting lost in an optimistic attitude. I need to confront my reality. Welcome it. Make peace with it and be constructive with what I do have to work with. And well I may be wiped out and can't do much right in this moment. But I got my hands and my brain and my heart, and they're all full of ideas. So here I am writing.
Really it’s the inconsistency that is just frustrating as heck. I started running miles feeling the best I’ve felt in 5 years and then my pinkie toe breaks in Colorado—no not from all the amazing hiking I was doing—but from running into a wall away from a bee--so silly and yet so meaningful. This is the second time my toe has broken in 6 months. Hard to say that’s just a coincidence and nothing of meaning. I got it God. Thank you. My tiny little feet and toes need love too—that’s root chakra 101. Strangely enough my healing journey had me work through my chakras backwards. Starting with the Crown chakra and now I’m on my last integral lesson—the root or my sweet feet. Take care of your foundation and solidify so you can build a strong new life, yea, that’s the message. The fact that it’s my pinkie toe well I know intuitively that has something to do with the little details in my life.
What are these little details that I’m ignoring that apparently are huge details enough to swift me off my feet and prevent me from using my newly discovered running legs that started to eradicate my symptoms and transform me into strength, vitality, and the young 26 year old self being I actually am.
Usually when I get a physical injury preventing me from movement/speed, it means I need to slow down because I’m missing an important detail. I've been so busy pushing my color therapy business full steam ahead using more of my right brain/marketing/stragizing etc. What do I need to slow down for? To be creative and make art? To write? That’s the only thing I can think of. This whole writing thing, geeze, I haven’t written in awhile and I know I’m supposed to be. My astrology chart even says this is the golden time for my writing. In one life, I would be a national geographic animal photographer or a writer. So I think the detail is slowing down enough to start really writing again. This is such a big part of my soul. That’s all I got. And, well, maybe just slowing down in general to really be present with each human heart I come across whether it's family, friends, business people, or strangers. That was one of my favorite things about being sick is that time is magically slow. You really see each person and listen to them and really ask how they’re doing like they’re an old friend when it’s the person checking you out at Whole Foods.
Yea, a whole new life to build and still not able to fully live it or my new identity. So where does that leave me? In a pickle? Or in a space full of childlike juiciness and vibrance. In a new space equipped with a magical perspective of slowed down time for deepening a humble heart and growing connection with other human hearts. I’ll eat the pickle instead as my afternoon snack.
Choose an image that helps you be still, peaceful and welcoming
to your period of rest during a flare-up. Know that you're body is on your side and wants you to know something important and needs you to slow down to pick up on it.