Goiing, Goiiing, Lost--Saved My Life.
Abseiling into the "Lost World" Waitomo Glowworm Caves, New Zealand
Where is your favorite place you’ve been lost? If you haven’t experienced this yet, then I wish it for you—for you to deepen into your truth and the feelings your heart deeply wants to release. To make your darkness known. To make your truth awake. To make your submerged answers rise to the surface.
I had tried everything. Seen every Western John Hopkins Dr. dude possible. I tried heaps of acupuncture, elimination diets, allergy avoidance, and muscle testing yada yada. No expert East or West knew why I was so sick. Eventually, after exhausting myself in personal research/experiments, I gave up too. The first time it wasn’t surrendering though. I accepted this sickness in my life and thought maybe I can’t change it. Maybe, I’m not the captain of my ship and maybe my ship is broken and a lot of people;s are broken. So I'm going to be "humble" and ride the best journey I can with this broken ship of mine. In other words, I thought I’m going to do everything in my power to live the best life I can with the limitations I have. I thought, hey, everybody has some sort of restriction, right? I surfed around this mentality for about 2 years. Then, I started going downhill, getting sicker, and lacking awareness of the very awnser right in front of me as it was happening live (that ended up being at my job). I knew my plan of acceptance and “giving up” was no longer going to work. Actually, it was preventing me from continuing to work. I needed a way out—a new plan reimagined.
I needed to make my lost known and actually consciously plunge deeper into my cave of confusion, lack of answers and clarity. During this period of reaching my peak in happiness/contentment with my limitation, I had cut up a beautiful image of a waterfall from a magazine—something I had never done before. I taped up the image on my bathroom mirror--again not really sure why-- it just sparked something good and forward in me. I woke up in the morning staring at this beckoning image and had vivid colorful reoccurring dreams of lush green surrounding me. The moment arrived and I realized I needed a new game plan to tackle my 3-year un-diagnosis. And I wasn’t going to get it from a person, an expert, countless hours of personal research, experiential conversation, or dropping my expectation of this one precious life. I needed to listen. I needed to surrender. For the first time in my life, I did. I listened to the reoccurring green dream and asked myself where is the greenest place in the world? I asked myself where is this waterfall? After some serious google’ing, I found the answer to both questions—the Milford Sound Trek, New Zealand.
This was the most pivotal moment of my entire 5-year illness. This was year 3 when I changed my entire trajectory forever, for the better. Surrendering is what shifted my path to finally receiving a diagnosis and treatment 2 years later. I gave up all my ego, all my human control/potential in “finding” the answer. I finally realized to find it I had to truly get more lost. So I listened to the higher voice within me. It told me I didn’t have to suffer. I wasn’t going to gain any more wisdom or self-knowledge from it. In order to evolve, I needed to stop trying and I need to let go. I needed to make my lost known. I needed to willingly get as lost as I could and do it on purpose. And off to the waterfall I went.
All I will say about the close proximity to the waterfall. There I am. It’s day 4—the last day of the trek and the moment I see the waterfall that got me to quit my job, leave everything, and go off solo into the wonder wander. Even though my body was exhausted and my legs jelly and my back sore from the pack, I had a sudden air jet stream under my feet. God was with me. Running on light to the waterfall.
If you want to learn how to let go or the dramatic poetic word of “surrender”, then I suggest start listening to your inner voice. Stop searching. Start asking your Truth to speak louder, so you can hear it. Start developing a relationship with your feelings and body’s messages. And to buy the book Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender by David R. Hawkins M.D. Ph.D.
I spy lil humans
Glowworms doing their light constellation dance
Light from the Bottom Dark
Light is a force of nature. It's always gonna find a way to flood through. flood through that ol noggin of mine and yours too :)